His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
