kristin has been a bad kristin
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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