You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I miss vodka workout Fridays
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
