ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
