You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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