i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
