Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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