But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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