Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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