I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
