Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
