I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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