I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
