Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
