Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
