if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize