Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
