i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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