I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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