I think im going to throw up on grandma
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
