I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
