She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
