remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
