i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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