i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
