if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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