please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
