I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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