In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
