booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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