The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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