He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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