I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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