I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
