He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
