I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
FUCK WHALES
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