Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
