We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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