So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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