We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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