she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
