This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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