Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
