With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
