i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
