My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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