so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just want to make out with him forever
wow bdsm is so cute
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
