I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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