My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I look better un-naked...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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