Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
