insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
