I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
