Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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