I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
