Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
