she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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