Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
