I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
